When The Past Breaks You
by CrushedSoul12
Summary: There's a difference between admitting something happened and accepting something happened. Ever since Amanda said the actual words "He raped me." she had been drowning in all the feelings she buried deep inside. Now everywhere she looked she was reminded and she felt tainted.*TW: Eating Disorder & Self - Harm*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New story idea we had thanks to the sneak peek of SVU'S upcoming episode. We changed some things up. Noah is elementary school aged instead of an infant. **

**TW: Self - Harm & Ed mentions.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

It had been one week since Amanda Rollins said those words, "He Raped Me." Since then she had taken personal days, avoiding everyone at all cost. Her co-workers came to her door but she wouldn't answer or yelled at them to just go away. She hadn't been coping at all. She quit eating and began to harm herself. All she ever wanted to do anymore was crawl into a hole and disappear. Around 10pm she heard a loud bang on her door. Her heart jumped out of her chest. She felt a lump in her throat and panicked.

"Amanda, its Olivia, please let me in darlin." Olivia said softly.

"I'm not decent, please come back later." Amanda said.

"I don't care, just let me in. All of us have been worried about you." Olivia said.

"Fine, but just for a few minutes." Amanda said.

Amanda slowly opened the door and popped her head out to look down one end of the hall and then the other before looking at Olivia. She opened the door wide enough for Olivia to squeeze through, before closing the door and locking it and locking the security locks she added to the door.

"Are you expecting an ambush?" Olivia asked. She was just joking, she was trying to get Amanda to smile.

Amanda had spaced out, "Huh?...Oh...no?" She didn't have a clue what Olivia had just said.

"Why haven't you been to work? What's going on with you?" Olivia asked.

"Nothing is going on… I… I just haven't been with it, feeling a little under the weather."

"Amanda we both know that's not true, it's been a week since you came out and said what happened back in Atlanta. Not talking about it doesn't make it go away." Olivia said, holding Amanda's hands in her own.

Amanda snatched away.

"Look some things are better left alone." Amanda couldn't breathe, she felt the lump in her throat getting bigger. "Olivia look I have to use the restroom real quick." Amanda took off down the hall. She went into the cupboards and grabbed the blade she had been using. She took it across her wrist with one swift motion. Blood began to trickle. She sighed in relief. Then she drug the blade across her skin five more times for good measure. She watched as the blood dripped into a puddle. She jumped when she heard Olivia knocking at the door. "Amanda, are you ok? You've been in there for ten minutes."

"Shit!" Amanda said, louder than she meant to. She started trying to clean herself up. "Just a minute!" She finally managed to reach her first aid kid and bandage herself up. She cleaned up the blood and took a look around the bathroom to make sure there were no traces of what she had just done before she opened the door.

"What was going on in there?" Olivia asked, looking over Amanda's head peeking into the bathroom.

"Nothing, hey don't you have to be getting back to your son?" Amanda asked with a harsh tone.

"No not tonight he stayed the night with his friend from school." Olivia said. She knew what Amanda was doing. She wouldn't be getting rid of the older detective that easily.

"Oh..." Amanda said dumbly.

"Yeah, so why don't you quit stalling and start talking?" Olivia said. She sat on the other end of the couch.

Amanda groaned in irritation. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK! JUST GET THE HELL OUT!"

"You done yet? Cause I have nothing but time." Olivia said, folding her arms across her chest and raising her eyebrow.

"FUCK YOU LIV! JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Amanda screamed. She stormed into her kitchen and began washing the dishes. She needed to distract herself before she locked herself in the bathroom and cut herself more than she already had that day.

Olivia followed her, "Hey...hey...Amanda calm down." Her hands began to shake and tremble and the glass in her hand shattered under the pressure. Not realizing what had just happened - she didn't notice she had blood running down her hand.

"Shit!" Olivia said, forcing Amanda to drop the shards in the sink and raising the arm above her head.

Amanda began to black out. She was looking at five Olivia's dancing in front of her. Then everything went black.

"Dammit!" Olivia said, catching Amanda before she could hit the kitchen floor. She carried her into the living room and laid her on the couch.

When Amanda started to come to, she couldn't put together what had happened. "Olivia what happened." Amanda started to black out more and more as days went on. She hadn't been eating or sleeping. She couldn't eat, the thought of food revolted her and made her stomach turn. "I'm scared Olivia, something's going on with me. I don't really know who I am anymore. Its like one moment I think I am going to be ok and then the next I'm not even sure anymore. It's like I see myself in the mirror, but I'm not even sure it's me."

"Amanda, how long have you been blacking out like this?" Olivia asked.

"I dunno know...a week?" Amanda said. She just wasn't sure. She couldn't stand the sight or smell of food. It had been two weeks since she had went grocery shopping. She had been living off of diet coke, coffee and cigarettes. But, she wasn't going to tell Olivia that.

Olivia sighed. "Amanda, when is the last time you ate anything?" She watched as Amanda's eyes went wide for a few seconds before going back to their normal size. Bingo. "You're gonna kill yourself. Do you know how many victims I've worked with? I worked with a bulimic who had a binge drinking problem, guess what happened to her? She died. She had been binge drinking and her heart just gave out. She was brain-dead by the time I showed up." Olivia said.

Amanda rolled her eyes. She didn't want to hear it. "Save your lecture Olivia." She walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass. "Care to join me?" She knew she was being a bitch, she just didn't care at the moment.

"Whoa, you don't need that you need food, come with me, stay at my place. For just a few nights that's all. Starving yourself, numbing it out will not make this go away. " Olivia said. She plucked the bottle out of Amanda's hand before she could pour a glass.

"OH MY GOD! JUST SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD 'IT WONT MAKE IT GO AWAY' WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?!" Amanda screamed. She jumped up from the couch, ready to storm into the bathroom.

Before Amanda could walk her head started to spin and she hit the ground and everything went black.

**What do you guys think? Let us know!**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: For those who have questions or are asking hey Noah is just a baby, this is a fanfiction (and a reason they call it this) and I wanted to make Noah elementary school age. I'm sorry if some people might feel this story is rushed. As for the blood on her hands, she was in a flashback and didn't realize that the glass had broken therefore she had blood on her hand. As for the passing out and blacking that's what happens when you have an eating disorder, I know personally.

Happy Reading, And please review.

Amanda was coming to. "Olivia where am I?"

"Amanda, you're in the hospital darlin what's the last thing you remember?"

"I'm not even sure, I've been in such a haze. It's like one minute I think I am okay and the next I'm asking myself who am I anymore?" Amanda began to cry. She didn't understand what happening to her. She didn't what to remember everything, she left it all in Atlanta for a reason, everything. The bad memories, not being able to cope, all of it. She thought moving to New York, she could push it down and never have to face it again.

"Amanda, I'm putting you on personal paid leave. You need to look out for yourself right now, take care of you mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am here for you, the whole squad you're not alone and even though I know you don't want to talk about it, everything will continue to haunt you. I know."

Amanda just looked down. She was just too exhausted to even try and argue and try not to fight her way through not having to take personal leave. The next thing they knew after just looking at each other the doctor came and knocked on the door.

"Ms. Rollins, how are you feeling?"

"Confused, tired, not sure what happened?"

"Well we did check your levels and had to stitch up several self-inflicted wounds. Your levels had a lot of abnormalities. How long has it been since you last ate? The levels that are low are pointing towards malnourishment. Which is why we needed to put you on a banana bag." (A banana bag is an intravenous nutritional supplement that is commonly prescribed to hospital patients who have vitamin or mineral deficiencies or chemical imbalances. The name comes from the bright yellow color of the vitamin B2 in the solution. The bag also contains a mixture of other vitamins and minerals designed to quickly replenish any that the patient is lacking. It's sometimes also called a rally pack.) All Amanda could do was look down. She felt so ashamed to tell him how long it had really been going on considering Olivia was standing in the room. "Doctor Burton I've been between anorexia and bulimia for the past 5 years, ever since I was raped. I was seeing a therapist and nutritionist, but I stopped. I couldn't keep facing it, talking about it all the time. When that happened it was like everything spiraled downward into a black hole and I couldn't fight my way out. It was like this eating disorder was suffocating me."

"Amanda I am going to have to keep you for at least a few days, continuously check your levels, and keep doing EKG's and have you hooked up to a heart monitor. When you came in your EKG when you were unconscious showed several abnormalities in your heart rhythm. At this point your heart could give out without any notice. I would really like you to consider getting into treatment."

"Thank you Doctor Burton I will think about it."

As the doctor left the room Amanda couldn't look up at Olivia. She couldn't face to look into her eyes. "Amanda hun, please look up at me." "Livia, I can't."

Olivia felt horrible because she didn't realize what was going on with one of her detectives or realize that she was self-destructing into her own grave.

Olivia sat in the chair next to Amanda's bed and reached for her hand, "Amanda, I'm so sorry. I wish I had seen it sooner. You told me a while ago that something happened and I let it slide because you told me you were fine. I feel horrible for ignoring it. I wish I could have helped you before it got to this point." She said, tears streaming down her face.

Amanda had her own waterfall of tears and she couldn't speak. She cleared her throat, "Olivia, you didn't see because I didn't want you to see. I hid it from you. I thought that if you knew, you would have me chained to my desk filling out DD5's. I just wanted to be out there. But, the more victims I worked with the more memories I was faced with and I was failing at doing my job. I'm sorry I didn't let you help me." She wiped the falling tears with the back of her hand.

Olivia squeezed her hand. "I know it won't be easy, but I wanna help you. Let me be your friend Amanda." Amanda nodded. She wasn't used to this, but she was so tired of feeling like she was alone. "I could use one of those." She said, squeezing Olivia's hand and smiling.

"So Amanda why don't we talk about you getting help maybe even outpatient. I will be there every step of the way with you. If you do outpatient, you can even stay at my house, but know the fact that I will be wanting to watch you at night while you're not at treatment, suicide watch. Until I can trust you."

"That sounds reasonable considering. I don't want to die even though some days feel like it. So I will do the outpatient treatment but I am not down for residential." The conversation was interrupted when a nurse knocked on the door. "Mrs. Rollins, I have ensure that the doctor wants you to drink. In the morning you will have a weigh in."

"Mrs. Benson I have to make rounds but can you sit with her to make sure she drinks it all."

"I would be more than happy to."

"What kind of fuckery is this?" Amanda whined. "No offence Liv, but I don't need you to sit here and watch me eat, or rather drink. I'm not a baby."  
>"Amanda you just said that you would try. This is part of the process." Olivia said.<br>"I don't like people watching me eat." Amanda said through clenched teeth. Just because she said she would try outpatient did not mean her habits had changed right away.  
>"Amanda, you said you have been through this before. You know this is what happens in residential." Olivia said.<br>"Can you face the wall? You don't have to leave the room, but I'd prefer not to have you staring at me." Amanda said turning bright red.  
>Olivia nodded. "Ok, I'll face the wall, but I will be looking back a few times to make sure you are really drinking that."<br>"Fine." Amanda said with a huff.  
>Olivia turned around and started playing with her phone. Amanda put a straw in the thick liquid and took a small sip. She tried not to gag. It tasted like shit! She took a bigger sip and swallowed it quickly. It wasn't so bad.<br>Olivia peeked over her shoulder and saw Amanda slurping and the liquid in the container going down. "You can do it." She encouraged.  
>Amanda pulled the straw out of her mouth and made a face, "Yuck!"<p>

Amanda got to the last of it down. All of a sudden that uncomfortable feeling came over her. When Olivia turned around she could see it, her body language said it all. "Amanda darlin breathe." Olivia walked over next to her and held her hand. "Breathe with me, In and out." Amanda followed her breathing and soon it started to normalize." The nurse came back from doing her rounds. "Mrs. Rollins the doctor wanted me to come and get your weight since it was not done when you were brought in." Olivia came over to Amanda's bed and helped her up. The nurse had brought in a scale. "Amanda right over here, please step on backwards." Amanda looked anxious. She did as the nurse asked. Olivia looked down as her weight came up on the scale. 90.5 LBS. Olivia tried to hide her expression. Amanda stepped off and the nurse wrote down her weight in her chart. She brought it to the doctor so he could come in and talk to her.

Amanda waited for the nurse to leave before asking Olivia, "You saw my weight? I'm fat aren't I?!"  
>"I'm not going to tell you how much you weigh Amanda. Don't even ask me." Olivia said calmly.<br>Amanda couldn't stand the fact that Olivia knew how much she weighed and she didn't. She tried to remember what her weight was the last time she was on a scale and she knew she had lost weight since then. "Fine! Next time I get weighed, do me a favor and don't look either." She said. Not knowing was the worst part.  
>"I'm going to have to look when you come to my house, because I'll be weighing you every day." Olivia said.<br>Dr. Burton knocked before walking into the room. "Hello Amanda, how are you?"  
>"Not so great." Amanda admitted.<br>"The nurse just gave me your weigh in report and I'd like you to start a treatment program as soon as possible." She said.  
>"She won't be going home by herself. She's moving in with me for at least awhile" Olivia spoke up.<br>"That does put me at ease. She will need to follow the nutrition plan we'll be sending home with her. And on Monday morning I have set up an intake for you with Renfrew Outpatient here in New York. I have decided to keep you until Saturday afternoon. For now get some rest. I know this is a lot of information to take in and can be overwhelming. I can see that you have amazing support, don't be afraid to use it."

Olivia just nodded as the information was flowing into her brain. She knew that this was going to be a long road but saving Amanda will be worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning had come, Amanda woke up to the morning nurse taking her vitals. One more day she thought to herself. Olivia had left and went back to work, she got a call in the middle of the night about a new case. She couldn't hold it against her, she understood when duty calls you have to go. "Okay Amanda, you ready for you weigh in?"

"Ughh, no, but I don't have a choice either." The nurse continued, "After breakfast you have counseling and an appointment with a dietician." Amanda huffed. She didn't want to go through this. She wasn't ready to face this. She can't. Amanda followed the nurse and stepped on the scale backwards, as she was getting her weigh in done Olivia walked through the door.  
>"Okay you can step down now." The nurse walked out after writing her vitals down and her weight. "I will be right back with your breakfast."<p>

Amanda sighed. She didn't want to eat breakfast. She felt like if people kept shoving food in her face, she was going to explode. "I'm sick to death of being poked and prodded!" She said. She was getting irritated.  
>"Tomorrow you get to come home, it's Saturday and we will have a girl's day." Olivia said.<br>"Yeah, you mean babysit me!" Amanda snapped.  
>Olivia sighed. "Amanda, you know it's not like that. I don't want you to have to go through this alone. If I let you go home by yourself I would be worried about you every second." She said.<br>Amanda knew it was because she cared. That Liv wouldn't be able to handle it if she were to die. The nurse came back and knocked on her door. "Amanda this is the dietician Hayleigh, she will be having breakfast with you and meeting with you at the same time." The nurse left her breakfast and left the room to make her morning rounds. Olivia stepped out to give Amanda her privacy with the dietician.

"Hi Amanda, are you?"

"Ugh like I don't want to be here."

"It's ok to feel that way. How about we both have breakfast and then we will talk about your care plan."

"Ok..." Amanda looked down at her plate. He heart started to race. She wasn't sure about this.

"One bite at a time, bite for bite. It's okay to take it slow."

"Can you not look at me while I eat?" Amanda asked.  
>"Why don't we talk about why it's hard for you to eat in front of people, does eating in front of people make you feel ashamed, does it bring up uncomfortable feelings?" Hayleigh said.<p>

"Yes it does, it's like will this person think I'm fat because I have eaten. I feel like a failure."

"It's so normal to feel like that, usually there is something so much deeper that causes someone to feel this way. Overtime meeting with me and the therapist it will get easier."  
>She picked up her fork and dug up a small bite eggs and put it into her mouth. Her heart began to race. The thought of swallowing the food was making a lump grow larger in her throat. Hayleigh could tell she was struggling. "I don't think I can do this. I'm worthless and a failure, I want Olivia."<p>

Hayleigh walked out for a split second to go get Olivia.

Olivia was texting her neighbor to see if she could keep Noah for the rest of the afternoon when she felt someone standing over her. She looked up and smiled.  
>"Olivia, right?" Hayleigh asked.<br>"Yes..." Olivia had no idea who this woman was.  
>"I'm Hayleigh, I'm Amanda's nutritionist. She's asking for you." Hayleigh said.<br>Olivia jumped out of her chair and followed Hayleigh down the hall and into Amanda's room. She rushed to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm here hun, what's going on?"

Amanda started sobbing. "I can't do it Liv! I can't eat! It's just too hard!" She cried. Olivia came and sat next here and grabbed her hand. It's going to be okay I'm right here with you. We want to help you. We want to be able to see you thrive and survive. You are a survivor." Amanda felt a little better. He breathing was normalizing out. "Darlin I will sit here with you and Hayleigh."

Hayleigh noticed the change in her body language as she began to slowly eat. She began to talk about her feelings that came up while she ate. After breakfast Hayleigh began to discuss her treatment plan with her and Olivia as she was going to be staying at her house.

"My plan is to put you on a meal plan the will be geared towards weight restoration. You have a ways to go, some days will be harder than others, but when you work hard at, have a support network behind you things will soon become easier. I'm not going to lie there will be days when you will want nothing more than to just give up. You have to find that will power and continue to fight for your life. Your worth saving." Hayleigh took a pause before continuing, allowing Amanda to absorb. "I will have you on 3 meals a day, 3 snacks, and a supplement twice a day. I know this sounds like a lot and it will be hell for a while getting used to food again, but it does get easier." After Hayleigh finished her session with Amanda she locked the bathroom door and left.

Amanda didn't know what to say. Olivia spoke up though. "Manda are you ok?"

"I'm not sure… Locking the bathroom door, I feel like a child, and I am being watched at all times." "I am here for you, I know this is hard and it will take time to adjust."

"One day at a time right…" Olivia sat right next to her, gave her a hug. "Yes one day at a time."

Amanda was getting tired. She had therapy later that day. Olivia had got called into work. She was so emotionally drained she just couldn't stay awake. She rolled over and she was out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Amanda woke up when the nurse Jessica came in.

"Amanda it's time for your appointment with the therapist." She said kindly.

"Is this really necessary? I'm ok..." Amanda groaned.

"I don't make the rules darlin." Jessica said.

"Fine." Amanda said.

The therapist came in behind the Nurse after she left.

"Hi, Amanda I am Neveah. How are you feeling today?"

"Could be better considering." Amanda said rolling her eyes.

"That's an understandable response." Neveah said.

Amanda wasn't really up for talking, but she knew she had to. "Yeah...I guess. Let's get this over with."

Neveah sighed, "Why don't you tell me why you're here, or why you think you're here. "

Amanda clasped her hands nervously in her lap and took a deep breathe. "I was brought in by a friend of mine because I blacked out..."

"Why did you black out?" Neveah asked.

"Because I haven't been eating." Amanda mumbled.

"Thank you for being honest with me Amanda, I know that wasn't easy to do. How long have you been self mutilating?" Neveah asked.

"Um...I'm not sure. A couple of weeks." Amanda answered.

Neveah wrote some things down in Amanda's chart. "Amanda I'm going to be honest with you. It's our first meeting and I'm very worried. I don't feel safe letting you go home. I'd like to keep you for a week."

Amanda almost cried. "Well, what if I did a safety contract? I am going to be in outpatient at Renfrew and I will be staying with my coworker Olivia."

"I will have to meet with Olivia and discuss a plan with her if I allow this, you to go home. She will also have to call me daily with a report on how you are doing, if there is a slip I will need her to bring you into the ER and I will be admitting you into the psych ward for at least a week, Fair?" Neveah asked.

"I guess so, I'm just so sick of being treated like a child. I'm being constantly watched, they have the camera here in my room. I eat and they lock my bathroom door. But at the same time it's like I know why, and I really don't have trust in this area." Amanda said with a sigh.

"How does it make you feel? Does it make you want to work harder at getting better?" Neveah asks.

"Some days yes, others no." Amanda said with a short answer.

"What do you think keeps you going on the days that you do want to fight?" Neveah asks.

"I think about the people at my work, the people who love me and care about, how they would feel if I were to be 6 feet under." Amanda says.

"That's a good reason to keep going, do you think you can apply this to the days when you just feel like you can't go on?" Neveah asks.

"I can try…" Amanda says quietly.

"Well, Amanda I would like to thank you for being honest with me, I have to go see another patient and I will be checking back on you. The nurse is here with your lunch." Neveah says getting up and leaving the room.

Neveah walked out and rang Olivia she needed to fill her in and a diagnosis. She knew he had rape trauma syndrome and anorexia with bulimic tendencies.

"Benson." Olivia said answering the unrecognized number.

"Ms. Benson, this is Neveah Dawson, I'm Amanda's therapist." Neveah said.

"Oh, right. Hello. How is she doing?" Olivia asked. She had found herself thinking about Amanda constantly since she had left her the night before.

"We just had our first session. I've evaluated her and I want to put her on a safety contract. I am willing to allow her to go home with you on the agreement that you can call me everyday and tell me how her day was. Is it possible for you to come in so we can further discuss this?" Neveah said.

Olivia shutdown her computer and slung her purse over her shoulder, "I'm on my way now."

"Great. We'll see you soon." Neveah said.

Amanda was starting to get nervous as she watched Neveah on the phone with Olivia. She didn't have a clue what Olivia was saying. She just wanted to get out of there. She didn't belong there. She was saying whatever she could so she could leave.

Fifteen minutes later...

Olivia walks into the room and sits by Amanda on the couch. "Hey, how are you?" She asks.

"I'm fine." Amanda says.

Olivia reaches over and shakes Neveah's hand.

"It's nice to meet you Olivia." Neveah says.

"It's nice to meet you too Dr. Dawson." Olivia says.

"Please call me Neveah."

"Ok, Neveah."

"Now, as I said on the phone. I am willing to let Amanda go home if both of you sign this contract. I want to talk to you everyday on how she is doing. If she self harms or is losing more weight she needs to be brought back in and I will admit her into the psych ward for a week." Neveah says.

Olivia winced. She didn't like the idea that one slip could have Amanda put away like a crazy person, but she liked the Dr. and she seemed to really care about her. "Ok. I'll do whatever is best for her." She said.

"Great. I printed three copies of this contract. We all have one." Neveah said handing a copy to Amanda and Olivia. "If the two of you will sign my copy, I will go talk to the nurses and see about getting Amanda discharged." She passed them each a pen and waited patiently while they read through the contract and signed it.

"Ok, great. Olivia if you head for the nurses station they will give you the meal plan and go over the basics of the after care of some of her cuts."

"I'll see you in a bit." Olivia said. She wrapped her arms around Amanda and hugged her before she could think about what she was doing.

"Yeah, see you..." Amanda was in shock. Her heart fluttered, but she ignored it. It was just her imagination. Olivia is straight and even if she wasn't she wouldn't be interested in someone as fucked up as her.

Olivia knew deep down she wanted to make this situation work. She also had her son to think about and his well-being. She didn't want him to walk in on her and find her on the floor covered in cuts. She knew this only met keeping tight reigns on her even If that meant pissing her off.

Before Amanda could start packing - Neveah came back into the room, "Amanda, I talked to the doctor they said they will be releasing you in the morning. They wanted to check your levels and monitor your heart overnight. They also want to hook you up to a banana bag one more time. I also have something else to tell you and I know you're not going to want to hear this. The doctor was informed that you refused lunch, snack, and your supplement. They found it hidden while you were getting vitals done at the nurse's station. They are wanting to hook you to a feeding tube. You will being going home with it. They will want you to come in once a day to get tube feedings.

This is when Amanda lost it! She jumped off the couch, "WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU CAN'T STICK A FEEDING TUBE INTO ME. NOT WITHOUT MY SAY SO!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE ONE MORE DAY! I CAN JUST SIGN MYSELF OUT!" Amanda was getting redder and redder in the face. She ignored the pinch in her chest. Her heart was pounding. She was on the end of her rope. "YOU BETTER LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'M GOING TO BUST MY WAY OUT!" Her chest clenched tighter, she got dizzy and fell back onto the couch. She didn't know what was happening.

Neveah rushed to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Amanda? Are you alright? What's wrong?" She asked.

"My...chest...hurts!" Amanda said, gasping for breath.

"Amanda, you're having a panic attack. I need you to calm down before you start hyperventilating. Breathe with me. In and out." Neveah said.

Amanda followed the Dr's instructions and breathed in and out. The tightness in her chest began to loosen and her heart rate was slowing down to a normal pace. She started crying. "Please, I just want to go home with Olivia. Please let me. I don't want to stay here." She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She didn't give a damn that this stranger was seeing her like this. She just wanted to be free. It just wasn't fair. She was being held prisoner while the bastard who made her like this was free. She wished she never remembered.

Neveah paged Dr. Burton and a few minutes later the doctor came in to sedate her. Before she began the process, Amanda asked for Olivia. She just wished none of this was happening to her. "Olivia please hold my hand."

"I am here for you baby always." Olivia said squeezing Amanda's hand.

Amanda's heart stopped when she heard Olivia call her "baby". But, again she told herself she was imagining it. Olivia probably didn't even realize she said it.

Olivia realized what she had said. 'Where the hell did that come from? Baby? Really Olivia. Really?' She ripped into herself. She knew Amanda was a lesbian, but she _wasn't_ and she didn't want to lead her on. She cleared her throat and watched as Amanda drifted off.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I tried to do some research about an NG Tube for eating disorders. The information I came across I included into the story. When used for an eating disorder they use it for rapid weight gain. In the process they also include meals where the patient eats orally. Usually after about 7 days with anorexia patients, considering their process they are taken off of them. Although I have struggled with severe bulimia for 10 years I've never had this but I have been on supplements for weight restoration. It's a miserable process but it saved my life as well. My heart was ready to give out on me. My body was shutting down and I was dying. If any questions please PM me. Happy Readings, as always please review.**

* * *

><p>Dr. Burton came in, "Amanda we are ready."<p>

"You don't have to do this, please no." Amanda begged.

"I'm sorry Amanda but we have to." Dr. Burton said. It's not like he enjoyed tubing patients. It was actually the part he hated the most.

"Olivia, please hold my hand and don't let go." Amanda asked reaching out for Olivia.

"I will not let go, I am here for you." Olivia said holding Amanda's hand tightly in hers.

The doctor started the procedure. "Okay breathe Amanda and swallow and the tube is going down."

Tears started to escape she didn't want this. She never wanted this. She never ever thought it would get this far.

It was hard and Olivia saw that she was trying to fight the process but she could also see that she didn't really have it in her to fight it.

After they got the last of the NG tube in Amanda couldn't look at Olivia she felt so ashamed and embarrassed. She did want to know, however ,when she could go back to work, she felt that maybe working could help her even if it was desk duty.

"Dr. Burton when can I return to work?"

"I'm sorry Amanda but I can't approve that now. Your weight is too low. At any moment you heart could give out. The stress on your body alone could do more damage and spiral you down even further." Dr. Burton said.

"What about desk duty?" Amanda asked looking over at Olivia, hoping that maybe she would even allow it.

"I'm sorry Amanda but with your mental state and the doctor's orders I can't allow it." Olivia chimed in.

"This isn't fair none of it is." Amanda said.

"Amanda we just want what's best for you." Dr. Burton spoke up.

The nurses began to hook the NG Tube to the bag.

"We will run the bag of supplement overnight. Through a period process. In the morning the NG Tube will be unhooked from the bag. We are going to use this process for rapid weight gain over a period of a week. I have held off on your admission to Renfrew outpatient for a week." Dr. Burton explained to both Amanda and Olivia.

Amanda soon found herself with big drops of tears rolling down her face. She was trying to figure out how she had let herself get this out of control. Part of her wished she had never let Olivia in her apartment two nights ago. But she had. Maybe the doctors were right and maybe Olivia was right. She was just so unsure of everything going on. It was a mass confusion and she couldn't wrap her head around it.

"Olivia do you hate me?" Amanda asked.

Dr. Burton took that as her cue to leave, "I better step out give you both some privacy to talk". He walked out of the room to make his rounds. He also feared that if Amanda is left unattended she will try to rip the tube out. He had seen many cases like hers. He knew eating disorders were one at the top of the list with a high mortality rate.

"Sweetie I could never hate you, I just don't want you to die. I can't imagine a life without you." Olivia said.

"Do you mean that?" Amanda asked.

"I really do and I will be here to help you get through this. One step at a time." Olivia said.

"I've never had anyone care so much. In Atlanta I was alone. No one cared to know what was going on with me. I'm terrified of this rapid weight gain but I also know that if this doesn't happen I could have a heart attack with so much damage surrounding my heart with the muscles." Amanda said.

"It's true, I did research last night when I went home and Noah was put into bed. This can and will kill you sweetie. The statistic facts were scary. I started to cry when I was going through this thinking about all that could happen to you." Olivia said.

"Olivia thank you. I mean it." Amanda said.

"I'm here for you I promise I'm not going anywhere." Olivia leaned in kissed her forehead and gave her hug. Amanda started to drift in and out. Doctor Burton prescribed something to help her start sleeping at night she started to drift in and out. She was just glad that finally in the morning she could leave this place.

"I love you Amanda sleep tight. I have to get back to Noah, he is with the babysitter but I will be back first thing in the morning, I promise." With that Amanda was out. Part of her finally felt at peace.


	6. Chapter 6

**TW: Self - Harm. **

**Chapter 6**

The next morning a nurse comes in to wake Amanda up. "Ms. Rollins, It's time to wake up. We have to take your vitals, you need to have breakfast and a session with Neveah before you can be discharged."

Amanda sat up when she heard that she was being discharged. She was finally going home!

Hallelujah!

She was walking towards the nurses station to have her vitals taken when she remembered before she fell asleep that Olivia had told her she loved her. She didn't want to read too much into it. Isn't that what friends say to each other? She shook it off.

"Ok, Amanda, you know the drill. Step onto the scale backwards." Jessica said.

She wrote down Amanda's weight. 98.5.

Amanda walked back into her room and didn't even give the nurse a problem when she was asked to eat all of her breakfast. She had to eat two slices of toast, grits, two strips of bacon and scrambled eggs. But she did it. She just wanted to get the hell out of here. Around noon she met with Neveah.

"How are you feeling Amanda?" Neveah asked.

"I'm ok. I'm just happy to be going home." Amanda answered.

"Just remember, that you're being discharged on the conditions that you're going to follow your meal plan and be honest with me during our sessions." Neveah said.

Amanda nodded. "I know that."

Olivia arrived at one to pick Amanda up. She was so happy that Amanda was going to be staying with her. After she was given thorough instructions for Amanda's meal plan, NG tube care and a run to the pharmacy for her prescriptions she was ready to go. In the car on the way to her house she caught herself staring at the blonde whenever they came to a stop. Often causing the other drivers to become irritated and honk at her.

Amanda kept watching Olivia, making sure her eyes were on the road and once she thought Olivia was concentrated on driving, she took her chance. She starting trying to pull out her NG tube, but before she could tear it free Olivia pulled over and grabbed her hand. "Amanda?! What the hell are you doing?!" Olivia asks.

"What, nothing it was just bothering me a little so I had to fidget with it..." Amanda said. Olivia looked at her like, I know you're lying.

"Amanda, the only way this is going to work is if you be honest with me. I saw you trying to rip it out. Why?!" Olivia asks. She was frustrated and she didn't know what to do. "You're going to end up back in the hospital." She said quietly.

"No, I'm not Liv. Relax." Amanda said.

"So, you're going to ignore that I just caught you trying to pull out your feeding tube before we could even get home?" Olivia asks.

"No..." Amanda looked down.

"Look, I took the day but I am on call. Noah is at school and is going to stay the night at his friends house since its the weekend. I will be keeping an eye you on all time, even in the restroom. You may not like what I have to say or the way I am going to run this show but I will not let you die. Bathroom doors will be locked at all times and if you have to go I guess you will be letting me know. Noah has a key but don't think for a second you will be getting it from him. All sharp object are hidden and locked away, are we in understanding?" Olivia says as they pull into the driveway.

"Yes maam." Amanda rolled her eyes.

Amanda was starting to regret staying with Olivia. She didn't want to be treated like Olivia was the Mother and she was the child.

When they got to Olivia's house she gave her a tour and showed her to the guest room.

"My room is next to yours, so if you need anything just knock and come in." Olivia said before leaving Amanda alone to unpack.

Then she remembered she said she would be with her at all times. "On second thought I will just sit here and hang out with you."

"Look I have to use the restroom Liv." Amanda needed release

Olivia stood up, "Ok, let's go."

"Wait what, I have nothing in my stomach, you don't have to follow me..." Amanda was ready to bust the hell out of this house and go back home, Liv was driving her up the wall.

"I told you in the car that I would be with you at all times. Did I not make myself clear?" Olivia said.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Fuck it!" She watched as Olivia took the key out of her pocket, she knew she had to act fast. She snatched the key out of Olivia's hands, pushed Olivia away, unlocked the door and rushed inside, locking the door behind her. She smiled to herself.

Olivia was astounded she never thought it would be this hard, she heard glass break. She immediately called Neveah things where not going well. While in the restroom Amanda ripped the feeding tube out and was ready to cut.

"Neveah! I don't know what to do! When we got home, I told Amanda I'd be with her all the time and she got so pissed at me. She said she had to use the bathroom and when I said I'd go with her she got madder, but followed me. Anyway before I could unlock the door she snatched the key from me, pushed me out of the way and locked me out!" Olivia was freaking out. "I heard glass breaking just a few seconds ago, but I had to call you because I'm out of my league here."

"Olivia how much do your bathroom doors cost?" Neveah asked.

"Um...a couple hundred, why?" Olivia asked.

"Break the damn door down. I'm on my way. And I suggest unhinging all the bathroom doors." Neveah said hanging up. She grabbed her medical bag and raced out of the hospital towards her car.

Olivia stared at her phone for a few seconds, before putting it in her back pocket. She counted to three and kicked the door open and screamed when she saw Amanda sitting against the tub, cutting herself.

"Amanda No!" She ran over next to her grabbed her wrist and took the blade and threw it across the room! "Why baby girl, why? I am here for you. Talk to me please." Amanda started to sob, "I just can't don't you understand? I was raped more than once, and my dad he abuse me. I'm not worth the hassle!" Olivia spoke up "Well saying it happened is the first step." Neveah had came through the front door, Live heard her "In here Neveah!" Amanda yelled "WHAT?! YOU CALLED HER!" Amanda shouted.

Neveah walked into the bathroom and sat on the floor next to Amanda. "Hey, what's going on?" She asked. "How did we end up here?"

"I'm sure Olivia already told you everything. So, why are you bothering in asking me?" Amanda said.

"Because I want to hear things from your perspective. Amanda we are here for you." Neveah said.

"Maybe if ya'll would get off your high horses and leave me alone and let me do what I wanna do, I wouldn't have to take such drastic measures." Amanda said.

Neveah sighed. "Will you let me take a look at your arm? Those might need stiches."

Amanda held out her arm. "Whatever."

"They are just superficial, not to deep, Olivia I am going to need to sedate her tonight." "What?! No please don't, keep that needle away from me, I promise I will be ok."

Neveah spoke up. "Olivia please help me."

Amanda started kicking and swinging at both of them. She was not going to get sedated without a fight.

Olivia straddled her and grabbed her hands, "I've got her." She said. She watched as Neveah prepped the needle and gave Amanda the shot.

Amanda was starting to feel groggy, "Gee, Liv if I knew this was the way to get you in my lap I would have tried it a long time ago." She passed out.

Olivia blushed. She didn't know what to say.

Neveah looked back and forth between the two women. "I thought you were coworkers?" She asked.

"We are!" Olivia said quickly. "I'm straight. I didn't know Amanda was a lesbian, but I don't care."

Olivia picked up Amanda and took her into the spare bedroom and laid her on the bed. "Neveah can we talk? Im not sure what to do here. Im lost please help me. What should I do? I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew." She broke down.

"Olivia, eating disorders are a complicated mental illness. It's not going to be easy. The road to recovery is a battle and there are many bumps along the way. As long as she knows that you won't give up on her and that you support her she will want to keep fighting. To be honest, I'm not sure Amanda wants to recover right now. The last thing she needs is us beating her up for slipping. The best we can do is keep an eye on her and accept the times where she is honest with us. Like I said on my way over here, remove all the bathroom doors. If she's going to purge don't make her feel like she has to hide it from you." Neveah said.

"It's not just me. I have my son to think about. With no doors, he could easily see her purging one day and I don't want to explain that to him." Olivia said.

"What if you take the door off of the bathroom in the guest room? I know you feel like watching her all the time is the answer, but it isn't. It's just going to force her to be secretive and build up more walls." Neveah says.

Olivia nodded as she took in all that Neveah had told her. "I think I understand now. Thank you." She said. She let Neveah out and checked on Amanda before starting on dinner.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**TW: Strong language.**

After Neveah left, Olivia thought about the situation, she really didn't know if she could handle this. She thought for a moment, 'well i could always get new door knobs without locks.' Before she start the process she heard a knock on the door. She walked over opened it and Noah was their with his friends mom. "Hey bud are you okay?"

"No mommy I don't feel good! My tummy hurts." Noah said with a pout. Olivia looked up to his friends mother Lisa. "Thank you so much for bringing him home." Lisa spoke up. "It's not a problem, Noah I hope you feel better buddy." When Amanda seen Noah home she felt obligated to leave. She was going to go back to her place. Amanda stood back as Olivia took Noah to his room and get him tucked in. When Amanda heard to the door shut she left out of the front door. She couldn't be here. This wasn't right.

Amanda walked through the streets, in the New York night - ignoring the buzzing of her phone in her pocket. She knew it was Olivia. She knew Olivia would demand where she was and beg her to come back to her house. She wouldn't. She decided she needed to fight her demons alone. She wasn't good enough for Olivia and her son with all her added baggage. As her mama would say, "More baggage than an airport." She heard her phone beep and saw Olivia had left a voice message. She wasn't going to answer it. She kept walking until she got to her apartment building. 'At least I burned a ton of calories walking here.' She thought. She walked up the stairs and down the hall, until she reached her apartment number. She unlocked the door, dropped her bag by the door and locked the door back behind her. "Home sweet home." She said out loud. She had forced herself to walk out of Olivia's life. If she was going down, she wasn't going to bring the one person she had started to care about more than anything, down with her.

She thought first thing first, 'I'm taking this NG tube out' She walked into her bathroom closed to the door behind her and locked it in case Olivia tried to come get her. She slowly pulled it out but gagged at the same time. "Thank gosh for that being out" she said out loud. All she wanted to do was sleep. Shut her phone off and never answer it again. She thought about taking a road trip. Get away, far away from this place, never be found. But she realized that wasn't really an option. She walked out of the restroom but almost passing out with every step. she made it to her door and crawled into bed and pulled the covers over the top of her head, shutting the world out.

"Amanda! This is the last time I am calling you and then I will be sending an ambulance to your place!" Olivia shouted into the phone. She had called Amanda 15 times and hadn't even gotten a text message back from her. She was freaking out. She paced back and forth in her bedroom and ran her hand through her hair. She didn't understand why Amanda just left. Had she done something wrong? "Fuck it!" She said out loud. She started punching in the babysitter's number. "Sarah?...I know it's late...but do you have class tomorrow?...great!...how soon can you be here?...thank you!" After 10 minutes the sitter was knocking and Olivia was running out the door and hopping into her car. 'Please be alive.' She prayed all the way to Amanda's apartment building. She pulled into the parking lot and dashed inside the building and ran all the way to Amanda's door as fast as her legs could carry her. "Amanda! Amanda!" She shouted pounding on the door.

Olivia grabbed Amanda's spare key from under the mat. "Amanda" she shouted at the top of her lungs. Still no answer. She walked back into Amanda's room and barged through the door. "AMANDA" she shouted and pulled the blankets off of her. "What the fuck, get the hell out of my bedroom and get the fuck out of my house before I call the cop for trespassing on private property."

Amanda had her gun aimed at Olivia. "Amanda, we both know you're not going to shoot me."

Amanda lowered the gun and tossed it onto the bed beside her. "No, but that doesn't mean you didn't scare the hell out of me! Shit, Olivia! Didn't you figure out that if I wasn't answering your calls that I damn sure wasn't going to answer the door when you called?" Amanda said. She was now irritated because her sleep was interrupted. It was the most decent amount of sleep she had, had in awhile. Olivia sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "Why did you leave like that? You didn't even say goodbye!"

"Look, Liv, I have way too much baggage for you to handle. You don't need to take care of me. You need to worry about your son." Amanda said. She got up and headed for the living room. When Olivia met her, she had the door open. "Now please, just leave me the hell alone."

"Amanda you know I can't do that, you will die" Amanda became more enraged "GET THE FUCK OUT, HOW STUPID ARE YOU, DID I STUTTER YOU RACHET BITCH!" Olivia began to cry and walked out the door she may have not been able to get her to come with but she can also make a quick call and put her in the hospital not that she holds the rights to her medical. She flipped open her phone and called 911.

After Olivia called 911, she called Neveah and filled her in. Neveah agreed to meet them both in the ER. When they arrived at the hospital, Amanda was having none of it. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU FUCKING UNDERHANDED BACKSTABBING, LYING, DECEITFUL BITCH! I AM NEVER GOING TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME! HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!" She screeched. She looked around and didn't even give two fucks about making a scene. She saw Neveah standing in the corner. "AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

Neveah calmly walked over to Amanda on the gurney and opened up her chart. "It's nice to see you Amanda. I see, you managed to take out your NG tube. That will be going back in, right after we take some blood."

"FUCK YOU!" Amanda said, turning red in the face.

Amanda tried to take off, she tried to bolt out of the hospital room, she wasn't having any of this.

The nurse came in and brought a sedative. "NO she started swinging back, FUCK YOU, YOU NO NAME STUPID BITCH" The nurse looked over at Olivia and mouthed 'please help me'. The doctor, the nurse, and Olivia walked over to Amanda after they had her cornered they had to sedate her before she hurt herself or others. The doctor was planning on admitting her to the psych floor and full evaluation. After she becomes stable he wants her then admitted to a residential eating disorder clinic.

Olivia picked up Amanda and took her back to her hospital bed. The doctor pulled Olivia aside. "I'm going to be real blatant with you, she will die if she does not get the proper help she needs. She needs to be admitted into the Psych floor become stable and then admitted to a residential program that specializes in Trauma and Eating Disorders. This all need to be done quickly. Her levels are so low, he body is shutting down, and there really isn't much left in her. We weighed her even thou she defied, 85lbs. Olivia she's really sick." Olivia wept. "I will sign where I need to."


End file.
